Another semester, another finals week limps to its death. As if exams, late work, and upwardly mobile deadlines weren’t enough to slough through, the curriculum at my community college requires its students to craft a researched, argument essay as the final assignment.  Adding insult to injury is the fact that their topic must be of “global importance”.  Typically, the freshman perspective on topics like gay rights or abortion trigger my snark response. The following excerpt, however, utterly floored me:

“Pro-Life advocates believe in personal responsibility and self control. The mother should only have protected sex. If she was not raped or taken advantage of by a male relative then it is the girl’s fault. Even if she was a victim of rape or incest, with the proper medical help she can get the sperm extracted from her body and would prevent unwanted pregnancy. It is the female’s responsibility that her sex partner uses protection every time. Or she can go the safe route and not have sex until marriage.”

That’s right, ladies. It’s YOUR job to make sure he wraps it up.  And if you forget? Well, doctors have new-fangled sperm extractors with testosterone seeking drones that will locate and safely escort each and every one of the approximately 100 million swimmers now circulating your fallopian tubes.

And in case you’re wondering, no. The student did not cite his sources.