To Whom It May Concern:
cc: The Powers That Be

RE: Overcrowding, Domain, and other societal contradictions

Be it here observed and otherwise declared, in full view of witnesses and with all the force and authority of the signed, the following: People suck. For those who doubt the validity of this claim, a sampling.

Item 1 – The elderly (and ornery) Homeland shopper who, while laboriously re-reading her grocery list, ignored a very polite request to access the bundles of romaine lettuce that were partially blocked as she inspected each and every curled leaf of the neighboring Italian parsley. Upon hearing the request and turning to look the speaker in the eye, she rolled hers, returning to her task without surrendering even an inch.

Item 2 – The technology dependent youth who, earbuds firmly in place, thumbs twitching furiously on the keypad during dinner out with family, refused to disconnect his umbilical gadget. Though his family seemed not to mind (their own attentions focused elsewhere), the fatigued restaurant employee attempting to wait on them struggled to communicate the most basic of needs.

Item 3 (subparts A and B)- The overpaid checkout-girl who, after communicating a sales total and turning to enter data into the computer, paused to write the Anna Karenina of text messages, oblivious to the $20 bill the hurried customer held out in payment. Tolstoy’s manager, meanwhile, stood at the end of the conveyor discussing with a confused shopper the location and merits of raisins. He failed to notice the texting incident.

Item 4 – The pushy department of defense employee who, having already argued with the TSA officer at the airport checkpoint, shoved her fellow Americans (whose flight left in 10 minutes) out of her way with a body blow and an “I’m going, here!” Her efforts secured her the use of a *special* plastic tub and stymied the entire line’s progress in order that she might receive additional screening from disgruntled security officers.

Item 5 – The hat-wearing churchgoer who, after offering a bit too much cough syrup to her already excitable child, pulled aside a busy restaurant employee, demanding that she take a moment to sanitize the women’s restroom after said child projectile vomited all over the walls, sinks, and floors. The employee reminded the mother that paper towels were available for guest use and hinted that perhaps she might want to clean up after her child herself. Instead, the devout lady returned to her table to eat, having sent her food back to the kitchen no less than three times.

In response to these and other similar incidents, one might opt for unrepressed anger and/or cynicism. Unfortunately, this often serves only to promote the very episodes that launched such a vicious cycle. Another option is to “be the bigger person” and attempt on one’s own to “kill with kindness” the powerful forces of vanity. Realistically, this is not a viable option.

Alternatively, in the interest of peace and general goodwill toward everyone, may I propose a new holiday: National Navel-Gazing Day. For this one day, let us celebrate the narcissist within us all. Ignore those around you! Deny the existence of reality outside the boundaries of your own flesh! Embrace conceit! Promote egotism! You deserve it.

Then, for the remaining 364 rotations in our common journey around the sun, may I suggest the following: Get over yourself.

Faithfully witnessed and fully supported by,

(your name here)

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